Sunday, June 19, 2011

Anthony's _________

If you live around televisions, newspapers, or other human beings, you already know: the Weiner got fucked. Well, actually, the Weiner repeatedly fucked himself. Which Weiner do I speak of? Anthony Weiner, of course, who, up until the past few weeks, was one of my favorite people that I don't actually know. (And I hate pretty much all famous people, excluding musicians, so this is a high honor in my book.)  I can't begin to express the deep, unrelenting disappointment I've felt because of Anthony Weiner's actions. But let me try.

First off: WHAT THE FUCK WEINER? what. the. fuck. you were awesome, you were a fucking hero. You were championing the fight against republican bullshit, and I loved you. We liberals loved you. You could've been it, you could've been the person to take this battle to where it needs to go, but no, you had to put a picture of your cock on TWITTER, of all fucking places.
I have many issues with this, but lets start with the obvious. You're a public figure, meaning, more than any other person's, your privates are just that, fucking private. What were you thinking? (In a Chris Hansen voice, of course). You were a congressman, you should've thought twice, thrice, and a fourth god damn time about putting a picture of your junk anywhere near the internet. Didn't you learn that already? Also, twitter? Come on, man, if you were really trying to direct message someone on twitter, just get the lady's email, like the gentleman you should've been.
Secondly, at what point did you assume that anyone would want to see a picture of your dick? And I'm not talking shit here, really, I loved you. If you didn't have a wife, you'd be on my politicians to do list. But back to the point, and I'd like to take this time to make an announcement to every male reading this. Get ready, because your world will be rocked.


YOUR DICK DOESN'T LOOK GOOD IN PICTURES.

And before we begin to conclude that perhaps only Weiner's weiner doesn't photograph well, let me tell you a brief anecdote. Last fall, I was on the losing side of a prank war. (If you're reading this, Max, well, I just admitted defeat.) The concluding prank in said war was actually a fluke on my part. As revenge for saran wrapping my car, I decided to post an ad for my rival on the "casual encounters" section of craigslist. As those who have posted here before know, you cannot type a phone number in posts under this section. I, not being very craigslist-savvy, didn't know how to get around this and instead, entered Max's email, thinking that at least his email would blow up with men wanting to get in on that action. Instead, Max was emailed a confirmation of the post, thus foiling my plot, and letting him know exactly my next move in our epic battle. I was completely fucked, except I didn't know it until the middle of the night, when I awoke to the sound of my phone, and a text that read: "hey cutie, you still looking for that late night fun?" Immediately, I knew what happened. In the following 24 hours, I received over a hundred texts, a several missed calls, and a couple dozen pictures. Pictures of, you guessed it, dicks. Up until a couple months ago, I was still sporadically receiving dick pictures. In total, I think it was nearly 100 of them, so I can tell you, without hesitation, that the cock is the least photogenic part of your body.  Regardless of how it looks in person, it'll look fucked up in photograph form, so just don't fucking do it. I'll repeat myself, yet again, in hopes that this message is thouroughly drilled into your minds. Do not, under any circumstances, take a picture of your cock, and send it to a member of the opposite (fairer, perhaps) sex. Thanks.

But back to el Weiner. Seriously, dude, just stop taking pictures of yourself. Remember that time when you took a picture of yourself in the mirror at the fucking congressional gym? Who does that? Oh yeah, you. Did you never have that moment where you thought, "Hey, what if these pictures get into the wrong hands?" or "Perhaps, as a member (hah) of congress, I should be a little more discerning with the content I decide to put on the internet." Apparently you didn't. And remember that time when you said that you couldn't say for certain whether the dick in the photo was yours or not? Really?

Honestly, (ex) Congressman Weiner, I hope that you bounce back from this. And theoretically, you should; many people have gotten caught doing worse things. Technically, you didn't even cheat on your wife. (If you were my husband, though, I'd have your fucking sac for this one). But lets be honest here, every republican is stoked on this, it's as if their biggest opponent just killed himself and they didn't even have to ask him to. So good job, ruining your chances at being that healthcare champion I thought you were. I'm not mad, I'm disappointed.


love, rachel


p.s. the gentleman is still correct in sitting.

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