Dear Miley,
I just finished watching a video of you performing a cover of Nirvana's "Smells like Teen Spirit," and I must say I'm completely disgusted. I'm offended and fucking enraged. You. Bitch. I can't even begin to put the words together that would appropriately chastise you for this crime against music.
First of all, who the hell do you think you are? You are not the caliber of musician who can be allowed to touch anything written by Kurt Cobain. You're a Disney star turned slutty-underage-horrible-music-singing-abomination. Stick to dressing up like a bird and being a complete fucking idiot while filming yourself smoking salvia. Seriously, even that creepy photoshoot you did with your dad was easier to handle than this.
Lets talk about that performance, girl. I'm not even going to go on about why your justin beiber-esque guitarist should be stabbed, lets just talk about you. Have you ever been to a show where headbanging occured? I ask rhetorically, of course. What the shit was that? As soon as the music started, you're there jumping around like a fucking kangaroo on meth. I wish that was the worst part of your performance, but no, Miley, you disappoint like no one else can. I cringed just awaiting your vocals, because it'd be scientifically impossible for your twangy ass voice to recreate anything close to Kurt's beautiful, melodic, raspy awesomeness.
Moving on to your choice of song, "Smells like Teen Spirit" is the classic, overplayed, fair weather fan song. Clearly you're not a Nirvana fan; had you known any other songs, perhaps you'd have chosen a better one. And please let me state, "Smells like Teen Spirit" is a great song, but there are better ones. A ton of better ones. A ton of WAY better ones. To name a few, 'Dumb,' 'Scentless Apprentice,' 'Aneurysm,' or 'Marigold' would've made better covers. But don't even try, bitch.
While introducing your cover, you say that "this song is something I always sing with my little brother." Ok... a little strange. First of all, if you're singing together, I think you're basically just yelling words at each other, and secondly, have you read the lyrics you're singing? isn't it a little weird to chant "MY LIBIDO" with your little brother? Yeah, I didn't think you realized that one.
Also, do you know a damn thing about grunge? Research is crucial, and its clear you didn't do it, based on that sequined outfit you wore. But on second thought, had you worn beat up jeans, chuck taylors and a flannel, I would've hated on you for raping that. Moral of the story: this isn't your territory, you are figuratively stomping on Kurt's grave. (Call Courtney, you guys would be best pals based on this alone.) You've got a lot of Nirvana fans pretty riled up about this, so leave it at this. Don't try to perform that shit again, don't do another one. This is a threat. Do not test us, because we most certainly will defend the honor of Nirvana, Kurt Cobain, and every song he's written.
With hate,
Rachel, a lifelong Nirvana fan who thinks it'd be 'pretty cool' if you dropped off the face of the earth.
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